Lien Cuisine: April Fools Day!

April Fool’s Day is historically one of the most fun days for the West Side Newspaper. For years, Chris McCartney and I huddled over a beer and dreamed up stupid stuff to write for the April edition. Spoofs only, with a little satire here and there.

Long time readers may recall the April 2015 exploits of ex-con Chef Sal who was setting up a food pod out of the back of his van on Edgewater, serving such delicacies as Night Crawler Tartar, with fresh ingredients from Wallace Marine Park; and Bird’s Eye Soup where he “harvested” a combination of starlings, jays and robins, and preserved the eyes in vinegar to be added to a hearty tomato and bird carcass broth; or his specialty the “Oregon Snail Souffle,”with snails from around West Salem collected on his morning sojourns foraging for ingredients.  Sal touted that he had the best snail facility in Oregon, including a slime slide that incubated and nurtured the snails. He winked as he told me that his new dessert, called “Key Slime Pie” was a derivative of his snail operation.

Being a highly sought after entrepreneur, Sal told me he was developing a new natural food meal plan called “Nutria Systems.”  The food substitute is a protein enriched patty of natural meat that he harvests himself from roadside venues.

The picture of Sal that accompanied the article showed a chef with knives pierced through his face, and many weird tattoos.

I had a blast writing it, never thinking anyone would take it seriously. However, the day the paper hit the mailboxes in West Salem, Chris’ phone at the paper lit up. Many complaints about the cover picture, and nearly as many inquiries as to where Sal’s truck was going to be.

I toned it down some in April 2016, and spoofed the legislature. Fake legislation was discussed, including a ban on politicians wearing bow ties; any male caught wearing pants an inch or more below the normal waist line would be subject to a $1,000 fine, and confined to a room and forced to watch 10 continuous hours of the Bravo Network TV show “What Not to Wear.”  Pushed through by the Garage Band Lobby, a law that prohibits the display or presentation of music by a fake band of the music of a real band was proposed.  Testimony before the House Committee for Sound and Acoustics indicated that bands with names like The Beetles, Steal Diamond, and The Breach Boys are a scourge on society and must be prohibited.

Restaurants are a common target for my humor, and fake legislation banning server tattoos were included. Another bill sought to ban any steak cooked more than medium rare, with 

table clothes required in all restaurants and all chefs required to wear headbands.  

Another proposed piece of legislation would prohibit men from wearing top knot hairdos or have their beard tied up in any way. The Committee that passed this legislation continually referred to males sporting this kind of hair style as “knot heads” and the tying of facial hair as  “beardos.” The penalty proposed for violation of male grooming standards was a forced clean shave of everything above the shoulders.

Finally, it was proposed that the phrase “you guys” be prohibited unless it is used in conjunction with addressing an all male audience.  This bill, championed by the Female Identification Army, was passed along gender lines, with one ambiguous exception.

In the April 2017 Edition, I opined about the annexation of West Salem, which might have been too close to home for some, as Chris’ phone again lit up like a Christmas tree.

However, by far the most talked about April Fool’s column ever was called Rodent Wars and appeared in the April 2018 edition. It was the fictional tale of a pack of rats at war with a family of skunks over spilled dairy products from a truck that overturned on Doaks Ferry. Leaders of the respective armies, Pepe from the skunks and Ratso from the rats, directed attacks and defenses. It was never clear who won the battle, but when the Salem Police and Polk County Sheriff’s officers finally arrived, all the spilled milk and cheese were gone.

April Fool’s Day also was the debut of Priscilla, that cranky ancient Brit who hated Chris and I and wrote columns about food over the years. She was so popular that Chris had to give her her own column, which she used to her advantage for a couple of years.

Such fun. Of course there is no Chef Sal, no Priscilla, no rodent wars, nor any of the legislation.  All in good fun and in the spirit of April Fool’s Day.  Have a great day, and please, play a prank on a loved one!!!